Marriage

It is very difficult for me to explain my absolute abhorrence of marriage. Usually I don’t bother. When asked the question I simply state, with a smile; “I don’t want to get married”, while shaking my head in a hopefully none threatening manner. This has been a far more successful strategy than the one I adopted when I was younger. Then I would find myself waxing lyrical about my inherent beliefs and watching while my audience slowly slipped away from me either giving me the confused, blank, “erh” face or the “don’t worry you’ll find someone to marry” sympathy. That strategy most definitely did not work and it was exhausting. All that energy for such little reward, it was an empowering day for me when I realized I could not force others to listen to my wide, wonderful and usually correct views on the Universe and that it is simply impossible to change someone else’s beliefs no matter how emphatically you argue your point and it is most definitely not worth the effort to even try. So now I have a new, improved strategy that seems to work.

But, it still bothers me, this whole “need to get married” thing. It’s not natural. God didn’t invent it, she really didn’t you know; neither did Mother Nature, Buddha, Allah or any other god. It was invented by Man, that’s all, that’s the truth. Not woman, not child, not beast, not God: MAN.

I have even gone as far as to have a little dig around the interwebs. Searching and researching trying to find some proof that would convince me this marriage thing was not a ploy invented by man to ensnare and entrapped the female of the species, but rather a divine intervention created to ensure happiness, trust and love for both male and female. Well I didn’t find any.

In fact according to Wikipedia one of the oldest known and recorded marriage laws comes from the code of Hammurabi. Hammurabi was the sixth Babylonian King, who ruled around 1796 BC to 1750 BC, apparently he was chosen by the gods (these would include Apsu; Tiamat; Anshar; Kishar & Sin, to name but a few) to deliver the law to the people. Some of these laws would be considered somewhat outdated and barbaric to our more “civilized” sensibilities, here take a look:

These are seven example laws, in their entirety, of the Code of Hammurabi, translated into English:

• If any one ensnares another, putting a ban upon him, but he can not prove it, then he that ensnared him shall be put to death.

Well I must be honest I’ve read that law a few hundred times and still it makes no sense to me. Are we talking witchcraft here? Or kidnapping? Does it, even remotely, make sense? The actual sentence I mean? Can someone please interpret the above Hammurabinees for me?

• If anyone brings an accusation against a man, and the accused goes to the river and leaps into the river, if he sinks in the river his accuser shall take possession of his house. But if the river proves that the accused is not guilty, and he escapes unhurt, then he who had brought the accusation shall be put to death, while he who leaped into the river shall take possession of the house that had belonged to his accuser.

Move over Judge Judy, it’s Judge River!?! Actually this might be a law we could use. Perhaps we should change it to “and the accused is thrown into the river…”? It would also help with the lack of housing in the country.

• If a Builder builds a house for someone, and does not construct it properly, and the house which he build falls in and kills its owner, then the builder shall be put to death. (Another variant of this is, If the owner’s son dies, then the builder’s son shall be put to death.)

Better hope your dad the builder loves you and builds those houses well. Or at least well enough that it has the good sense to everyone else BUT the owner.

• If a man give his child to a nurse and the child dies in her hands, but the nurse unbeknown to the father and mother nurses another child, then they shall convict her of having nursed another child without the knowledge of the father and mother and her breasts shall be cut off.

Well, let me tell you, this would be the one reason I would most definitely not become a nurse. Your breasts! Cut off! Hectic. Although if the mother give the child to a nurse…does that mean your breast are safe?

• If any one steals the minor son of another, he shall be put to death.

This we could definitely use! Just change it to include daughters and it’s got my vote.

• If a man takes a woman to wife, but has no intercourse with her, this woman is no wife of him.

Did you see it, the marriage law, up there, just above this sentence; take a moment to re-read it. That’s all there is, it’s not even about matrimony it’s about sex.

And last but most definitely not least:

• If a man strikes a pregnant woman, thereby causing her to miscarry and die, the assailant’s daughter shall be put to death.

The daughter! Not the assailant! Shall be put to death!

Now who does Hammurabi remind me of? Oh yes, Moses. Wasn’t it Moses who also told us God had spoken to him, gave him some laws and told him to go forth and enforce said laws?

Excuse me a moment, need to consult the Oracle, will be back in a moment.

Well the Oracle told me to consult Wikkipedia and this is what she said:

Moses was, according to biblical texts, a religious leader, lawgiver, and prophet, to whom the authorship of the Torah is traditionally attributed.

Aha, I was correct. Well what were these laws Moses was given; surely here I will find something to disprove my beliefs on marriage? Let’s have a look:

Holy Moses; check out Numbers 31:13-18:

13 And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation, went forth to meet them without the camp

14 And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, the captains of thousands and the captains of hundreds, who came from the service of the war.

15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against Jehovah in the matter of Peor, and so the plague was among the congregation of Jehovah.

17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18 But all the women-children, that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Okay I suppose God could have told Moses that the only way to get rid of the plague would be to murder and rape. I was, after all, not there to witness the God-Moses conversation so who am I to doubt the Will!?!

And now, (drum roll please), the Ten Commandments, dictated by God, to his secretary Moses:

Commandments:

1. I am the Lord your God
2. You shall have no other gods before me
3. You shall not make for yourself an idol

Oops, looks like Billy broke that Law.

4. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
5. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
6. Honor your father and mother
7. You shall not murder*

But you told Moses that he must murder all those men, woman and children? Isn’t the best way to teach your children through your own actions, monkey see, monkey do? What about “practice what you preach”? All this is most confusing. Well at least rape hasn’t appeared in here; no wonder rapists only get a 2 year suspended sentence. God didn’t say it was wrong, (well according to Moses anyway).

8. You shall not commit adultery

But you can rape.

9. You shall not steal***

But you can rape.

10. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour

But you can rape.

11. You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife

Okay you probably couldn’t rape your neighbour’s wife, surely this law prohibits that. Okay no, I was wrong, you cannot yearn to possess her, as she belongs to someone else but you could probably rape her. Loop holes, loop holes, so many loop holes.

12. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor

Apparently the first three are really one, or the last two are one or something like that, making up your ten. And did you know that the Roman Catholic Church say “kill” rather than murder as it is less specific and more inclusive.

Anyway I digress; it would appear that no where in any of my extensive research was I able to find any reference to a stone tablet dictated by God or the gods and scribed by someone, which stated we had to get married. There are, however, a few Laws and a great many traditions and customs surrounding marriage, there’s also at least one family that I know of that gives Kali (Hindu Goddess of eternal energy, time and change) a bottle of Mainstay and a nicely rolled ganga joint, in order to make her happy while performing one of their family prayers. I am sure this practice would shock and horrify some Hindu followers as marriage shocks and horrifies me.

One historical reason for marriage was in order to secure paternal ownership. You see, when a woman has a child that child takes the mother’s name and marriage was the only way for a man to assure his child had his name, thereby securing his ownership of said child. A woman traditionally loses her surname when she marries.

Another reason for marriage was exclusive sexual access.

Before the feminist revolution women where not allowed to work, they where not allowed to vote, they where not allowed to do anything other than attend to their husband and children, clean the house, wash the clothes, cook the food. Pretty difficult to feed, clothe and house yourself and your child when you are unable to earn a penny, the only real solution would be to give up all your freedom, your identity, all rights to your children and get married. That’s called slavery, not love; it can’t be love if you have no choice.

I am yet to find one conclusive, irrefutable, definite, convincing, really solid, good reason to get married.

Yes the romantic notion of declaring your undying love and desire to remain bonded to that one person for all eternity, or until death do you part, is wonderful. Gives me butterflies; makes me think of my childhood wish to be loved so greatly by one man that he would “travel oceans of time to be with” me, defy God and drink human blood, all so he could be reunited with my reincarnated self (thanks Bram Stoker & Francis Ford Coppola). But still the romantic in me screams that this adolescent fantasy is far purer than the slavery of our traditional marriage.

So until my research can give me a better reason than any I have found thus far; I’ll simply continue to smile and shake my head in a hopefully non threatening manner while saying:

“I don’t want to get married”.

REFERENCES:

Concise Oxford English Dictionary:

cleave ~ v. (cleave to) literary 1 stick fast to. 2 adhere strongly to or become very involved with: most schools cleave strongly to received policy.

covet ~ v. yearn to possess (something belonging to someone else).

Hammurabinees ~ n. archaic the language of Hammurabi.

marriage ~ n 1 the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife. 2 a combination of elements.

- Origin ME: from Ofr. Marriage, from marier ‘marry’

marriageable ~ adj. fit or suitable for marriage, especially in being wealthy or of the right age.

- DERIVATIVES marriageability n.

marriage guidance ~ n (in the UK) couselling of married couples who have problems I their relationship.

marriage of convenience ~ n a marriage concluded primarily to achieve a practical purpose.

married ~ adj. relating to or united by marriage.

prophet ~ n. 1 an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of God. 2 a person who predicts the future. ~ a person who advocates a new belief or theory.

Torah ~ n. (in Judaism) the law of God as revealed to Moses and recorded in the Pentateuch.

Slave ~ n. 1 historical a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them. ~ a person who is excessively dependent upon or controlled by something.

~ v. 1 work excessively hard. 2 (as noun slaving) historical the action or process of enslaving people. 3 subject to control by another

- Origin ME: shortening of OFr. esclave, equivalent of med. L. sclava (fem.) ‘Slavonic (captive)’.

wroth ~ adj. archaic angry.

Thanks to the Oracle (Google), Wikkipedia and all other sites the Oracle said I should visit.