Omega or is that Olmega

So today I am feeling very sad. Well I’ve been feeling sad for quite some time now. But today, today I feel that cold feeling of acceptance. It is so annoyingly adult to have to deal with the inevitable. I keep telling myself; not much longer now, just a few things to sort out and it will all be over. I look forward to that. Then I can mourn in private; rage in private; hate in private; cry in private. No need to keep it together and act like everything is just peachy. I just hate public displays of negative emotion. I just hate being vulnerable in front of someone I really do love.

My chest aches.

I hate the fact that I have once again brought this upon myself. I wish I could just blame someone else. That would be so much easier. Then I could be the victim and weep woe is me to any and everybody. And everyone would lend me a shoulder and take my side. But no, I have to be all adult and take responsibility. What a bother!

My stomach’s in knots.

I’m very scared. I have to admit, for the sake of utter honesty, that he is a most decent young man and has an unbelievable need to be responsible. I have asked him if he can hang on for a bit until I get a job so I can support myself and my son. I realize that’s a pretty terrible thing to ask. It is unfair and selfish but what else can I do!?! I’ve sent my C.V. out and unfortunately I have accepted a half day job for June which definitely does not cover my expenses but that was before I was honest with myself. I was in denial. You know the state, the one where you tell yourself that if he says “I love you” then it means everything will be okay. But deep down you know that’s a lie. So you accept a job that will help trap him. Yes it’s pathetic but at least I didn’t fall pregnant. I’m not that pitiable.

My eyes are leaking.

Thank the Universe for Snow Patrol. How I love those little Scottish boys. At least they don’t lie. Lies! Lies! Lies! How I hate lies!

I am disgusted with my own shortcomings.


“All this feels strange an untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you
My bones ache
My skin feels cold
And I’m getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in guts
And I won’t feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Get up
Get out
Get away from these liars
Cos they don’t get your soul or your fire
Take my hand
Knot your fingers through mine
And we’ll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you"